Who am I without my bleed?

I'm 41 years old and I’ve been telling myself that I wouldn’t see any changes to my cycle until at least 44. 

I’m so healthy!
I'm so young
I have such an intimate relationship with my womb
I do regular shadow work, for peet’s sake.  

But here I am at day 35, 45, 59 and still no sign of my beloved blood. And I KNOW this is all NORMAL in the 40s but it's rocking me hard.

I'm having thoughts like:

I’m too young for this.

What’s wrong with me?

I’d prefer pregnancy over menopause

Will I ever bleed again?

Will anyone trust me as a menstrual cycle teacher if I’m not bleeding?

I let those questions, doubts, and fears swirl around for a month and then I did a Shakti Yoga practice where I tried to just be open to what I needed to know (instead of asking for something specific, which is what I usually do) and this message came through:

There’s more to life than being fine

And it hit me that “I’m FINE” has been the most powerful mantra in my life since childhood. And I didn't even realize it. No matter what others were going through or how scary the world became, I was always FINE. 

I don’t get angry. 

I don’t get stressed. 

I don’t even know what anxiety feels like. 

I have everything I need. 

I succeed without having to work too hard. 

It was like my superpower. While others were freaking out and falling apart, I was just fine with what I already had. I taught myself this skill as a kid. And I am good at it. 

And I realized that being FINE all the time actually cut me off from passionate rage, explosive envy and outbursts of emotion that give clarity.

Now I understand why women in midlife are so dangerous

And I have to listen. I need to acknowledge that SHE is with me. No more denying her. I am old enough to hear this message. 

I have to allow myself to fall apart and see where the pieces land. And I’ve done this before. (Read about my identity death in new motherhood here) 

I will envision a new picture for myself. I will break free of the roles that have defined me my whole life (but can I?)

 I need to find out who I am with no filters.

Who am when no one is looking?
Who am I when I don’t have to impress anyone?
Who am I when I don’t have to justify my actions to anyone? 

We finally see beyond the caregiving and the constant striving and the perfection. 

We feel the call to interrupt the cycle of constant production.

 (If you haven’t read All Fours by Miranda July, you need to do so STAT). 

If you relate to any of this, don’t keep it to yourself

Giving and receiving truth in the form of lived experience and wisdom is the best medicine we have

Join my community